Ickle Ficlets Volume 2
by PinkAphid
Summary: Shadabing, shadaboom. To sum up: if you have a short attention span and are enticed by humour and pie, please indulge me and read. It'll be worth your while.
1. Axiom

Ickle Ficlets Volume II

First chapter edited, I'm not happy with these first ficlets really – later chapters are better. And people reading these from the beginning will want the best ones, not these bad old ones. It creates a bad impression. Please, if you're reading this for the first time, I suggest starting from Chapter 10, where they start being named after pie, until I've edited 1-9. Thank you!

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**FICLET 1- Moustache**

'Dude, where's my moustache?' asked Ron.

'On Ginny,' Harry replied promptly.

'Sheeeeet.' Ginny nodded appreciatively, stroking her impressive whiskers.

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**FICLET 2- Astronomy**

Hermione was trying to teach Harry and the Weasleys rudimentary astronomy. 'No, no you guys, the earth revolves around the sun.'

'He-re-tic! He-re-tic!' chanted Fred and George.

'Burn her!' screamed Ron, holding a torch to the couch.

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**FICLET 3- Beard**

Dumbledore was contemplating his reflection in the mirror. 'Severus,' he sighed. 'Do you think I should wash my beard?'

Snape growled. 'I think you should, yeah. Yeah, you should wash it, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.'

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**FICLET 4- Recommendation**

'Hermione,' said Ron tentatively. 'I'm looking for something to read. Do you have any suggestions?'

'Try this,' Hermione flung a book into his lap.

'Is it any good?'

'No. It's dreadful, but quite short.'

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Step 1 of 9 completed… more to come!


	2. Gillus

I'm SO SO SO SO SO SORRY! For not updating that is. Not for eating the last cream puff. I'm not sorry about that at all. Blahblahboringexcusesblahblahthereisnospoonblahblah. On with the show! P.S. have two chapters as my repentance to you. It's BOGOF week here at Casa Naomi.

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FICLET 25- Spelling

Ginny was doing her Herbology homework. "Harry," she asked, "how do you spell chicken?"

Harry was just about to answer when Hermione jumped in and started singing. "C- is the way you begin and

H- is the second letter in and

I- in the middle of the word and

C- as you've already heard and

K- now we're nearing the end

And C-H-I-C-K-E-N

That is how you spell CHICKEN!"

"Wow Hermione! Spelling through song! What are you, like, 5?" Ginny asked.

Hermione crawled under a rock.

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FICLET 26- Secrets

Hermione was on the phone to Harry. "What are you eating?" she asked.

"A pear," replied Harry.

"Is it green?" she asked

"…Yes," he replied.

"You're hiding something from me aren't you?" said Hermione accusingly.

"I'm gay," said Harry.

"Yes, but that's not what you were hiding is it?"

"…No."

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FICLET 27- Movies

"Hey Harry," said Ron, "If you could pick one actor to play you in a movie about your life, who would you choose?"

"William Shatner," said Harry instantly. "You?"

"Mark Hamill," Ron replied without delay.

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FICLET 28- Diary

Ginny found Hermione's diary and was reading it in the linen closet.

May 1st- dear Diary. Today I had toast for breakfast and did my Potions homework. 

_May 2nd- dear Diary. Today I had eggs for breakfast and did my Ancient Runes homework._

_May 3rd- dear Diary. Today I had toast with jam for breakfast and did my Herbology homework._

_May 4th- dear Diary. Today I had porridge for breakfast and did my History of Magic homework. Then I went to sleep._

Ginny was enthralled by the exciting life Hermione was leading.


	3. Halcyon

FICLET 29- Duck pond

Harry had a present for Draco. It was a duck pond.

"Oh wow Harry!" squealed Draco. "You shouldn't have!"

"I wanted to! And look, I made it personal for you," Harry replied, pointing to the pond where three drakes and a ferret in diving gear were swimming.

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FICLET 30- And now for something completely different.

I could sit beneath the bluebell tree,

And talk to you for hours.

I want to give you the morning sky,

And win you with wild flowers.

If Mr Jello went to Chad

And George Bush went to Mars,

If Sheila-Grace ate shells and lace

Then who would paint the stars?

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FICLET 31- Barbers

"It's an outrage!" cried Ron.

"What is?" Harry replied, not really paying attention.

"Haircuts!" Whatever Harry had expected, it wasn't this. Seeing his blank look, Ron continued. "I mean, look at little boys. They have all these cute little curls and everyone says 'awww, the little angels'. But then their mothers get their hair cut, and suddenly they have no curls, just stubble, and instead of being little angels they go round smashing plates and egging houses and torturing ants and not drinking their milk, and before you know it they've got an ASBO!" he explained passionately.

Harry blinked.

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FICLET 32- Wrestling

Ron was lying comatose on the sofa letting Ginny put him in a half-Nelson.

"Ron!" Harry exclaimed, surprised. "You have orange elbows!"

Ron merely snorted as his arm broke.

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**I'm worried! After this chapter, and the next chapter, there are only three chapters left! I'll have to get writing some more. On a separate note, why is there a match in my chilli:author ponders: **


	4. Irony

I'm rather pleased with these ones. And I'm rather pleased with myself too, because I have successfully completed a Broadway-esque musical about a small iron-producing town in south-west Cumbria. Go me! Unfortunately, I have had rather few reviews. Please let me know what you think, and I'm perfectly happy as always to include any (good) ideas you throw at me. If they work. Loves!

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FICLET 33- Odd times

Snape swept into the dungeon menacingly, causing Neville to panic and turn his cauldron into a gammon steak.

"Congratulations Longbottom, that was a very accomplished piece of magic," Snape growled.

"Sir," said Harry, "you're wearing _beige._"

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FICLET 34- Toothpaste

Harry and Ron were having a toothpaste fight in the prefects' bathroom, when Myrtle materialised from a nearby tap.

"Hey guys," she said, "don't waste the paste!"

"Quit giving me grief man," said Harry as Ron shot Colgate Total Fluoride Antigingivitis Toothpaste through Myrtle's lower abdomen.

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FICLET 35- Memories

Hermione was reminiscing again. "Hey guys!" she enthused, "remember when we first met, and Ron had dirt on his nose and Neville lost his toad?"

"All aboard for the train to the Department of Pointless Backstory," said Harry.

Ron instinctively rubbed his nose, and Neville gripped Trevor so hard that his eyes popped.

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FICLET 36- Obscure 90s' pop

George turned into a cheese grater.

"Riiiiiiight…" said Fred.

Harry instinctively started humming 'I'm Too Sexy'.

Hermione questioned Harry's ability to hum a song that is predominantly spoken.


	5. Apple

Egads! It's been one year and… _counts… _11 days since I last updated this! Time to get the brains in gear here at Casa Naomi. (I dug that up from an old chapter. I like it.) I think I had a backlog of chapters but unfortunately I've changed computers in the last year… but I'll try to find them, if they exist. And from now on the chapters will be named after pie. Less pretentious and yummier than odd baby names.

Allez-vite!

**Disclaimer: **Bout time! Characters aren't mine, but I treat them like they are.

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FICLET 37- Drunk

Harry was eating cheese, when Hermione stumbled in. She was blind stinking drunk, and I mean _drunk._

'Hermione! You're blind stinking drunk!' exclaimed Harry.

'I need CHEEESE,' whispered Hermione.

'Nobody _needs_ cheese. Come on Hermione. No need to succumb to weak human desires,' replied Harry.

Hermione threw him in the fire.

And then she ate his cheese.

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FICLET 38- Risotto

The trio plus pals were eating dinner.

'So, is it the rice that makes the risotto, or the risotto that makes the rice?' asked Ron, prodding his plate.

'Wh… _what?_' asked Hermione in bewilderment.

Harry broke the ensuing awkward silence. 'Why is there a match in my chilli?'

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FICLET 39- Beanbag

McGonagall had got pissed one night and redecorated the common room, covering the walls with newspaper and the floor with suncream.

'Beanbaaaaaaags!' squealed Draco, dive-bombing the new comfortable accoutrements.

'What are you even doing here?' asked Ginny.

'I don't want to get sunburn…' Draco explained meekly.

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FICLET 40- Wikipedia

Hermione had discovered Wikipedia.

'Guys! Look! It's hilarious! An article on polysyndetic parataxis of unaugmented iteratives!'

Harry didn't even bother to look at the screen. 'Hermione, you're lying. You're reading about titular bishops.'

Ginny snorted. 'Harry said tit!'

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Oh, yeah, and please give me the lucks for my GCSEs… now I don't know when I'll have time to write these during school now I won't have any more Physics lessons, but that problem can wait for another two months and three weeks, because that's how much holiday I'll be getting… sigh


	6. Blueberry

Another chapter! On with the show. And I'm open for ideas now, so please review and leave me some! I don't mind if you review anonymously because you can't/won't sign in, fine by me. Oh, and you'll get credit of course.

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FICLET 41- Cake

'CAAAAAKE!' shouted Snape.

'Why yes it is,' agreed Ron, picking a crumb from the Victoria Sponge in his hand.

Snape randomly changed the subject. 'Hey, I have this gift token I won at a raffle for Miss Selfridge. D'you want to buy it off me?'

Ron shrugged. 'Sure. I can pay you in…' he emptied his pockets. 'Hermione's spare razor blade, some old mouse bones and a Guatemalan worry doll.'

'Done and done!' cackled Snape.

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FICLET 42- Transfer students

Some students had transferred to Hogwarts from who-cares-where.

The slightly taller boy introduced himself first. 'Hi guys! I'm Chris Peacock, and this is my twin-'

'Drew Peacock,' the second boy finished.

'If they're names are anything to go by, which would you rather date?' whispered Hermione to Ginny.

'If your face is anything to go by, which eye should I poke out?' Ginny retorted.

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FICLET 43- Harmonica

'Harmonicas are most excellent,' enthused Ginny.

'No they're not. They're God's gift to hobos,' Harry sneered.

Ginny rolled her eyes. 'No, God's gift to hobos is braziers.'

'Braziers! Where?' cried Ron.

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FICLET 44- Hermione

It was Hermione's birthday. 

'Happy Hermione, Hermione!' cried Harry and Ron.

'You remembered!' Hermione's eyes hermioned.

'Hermione we did!' hermioned Harry and Ron.

'Hermone!' Hermione hermioned hermione of hermione.

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Now please review and leave me ideas! But don't feel pressured or anything… :P 


	7. Cherry, no, chocolate!

Goodness, chapter 12 already? No reason why that should be especially astonishing… Good news though. Lots more to come after this.

About time for a DISCLAIMER: Yeah whatever. Not mine. Oh, and a few of the following ficlets are inspired by Scrubs.

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FICLET 45- Caring

'Hermione…' Ron whined, 'I got a splinter…'

'Oh my goodness, I care so little I almost passed out,' replied Hermione.

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FICLET 46- Homework

'Oi, Hermione, do my Astronomy homework,' ordered Harry.

'Meh, sure, what colour ink do want?' Hermione asked.

'How about a dark shade of it's not my problem any more,' replied Harry.

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FICLET 47- Banal

'You know, I always thought banal rhymed with anal,' laughed Ron one day.

'Doesn't it?' asked Hermione.

'Whoa… role reversal,' Harry observed.

Hermione ignored him. 'Wouldn't it be funny though, if we pronounced anal to rhyme with banal.'

'Anal… anal… anal…' mused Ron, trying the new pronunciation and finding it to his satisfaction. 'Anal… anal…'

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FICLET 48- Insecurities

Harry and Ron were whispering to each other at the back of Transfiguration class.

'Boys! Stop that! What are you whispering about?' shouted Professor McGonagall.

Ron blushed. 'Professor, Harry was just reassuring me that my robe wasn't too…'

McGonagall interrupted. 'Mr Weasley, this is not Bring Your Insecurities To Class Day, it is just Class Day. Now be quiet.'

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Review reply time!:

Prin: detailed observations over a bit of fun ('it's a gift to capture the complex, if all too common, psychology of everyday absurd little human situations with just a couple of words that describe, and the rest that merely 'suggests'.'?) p Glad you enjoy them and that the characters are coming across well :D

ElfLuver13: Thanks as always for your unwaveringly lovely comments! Hope you're reading these new ficlets and enjoying them!

Agent047: Snape in beige was my favourite too. Thanks as well for your reliable boosting comments!

witchintraining: a special comment to tell you to review. Challenge: make the review a drabble. MWAHAHA.

_ p.s. is anyone interested in beta-ing this? it would be really helpful, and I'll dedicate one to you! smooches._


	8. Dimebar

Only three this time? I must have counted wrong when I was pasting these in from the master document where I type them all. So here's a bonus, for my new beta witchintraining.

FICLET ISI

'Hey loser,' Harry laughed at Ron. 'You can't count!'

'What? I can count to ten fluently in six different languages!' Ron replied.

'Prove it!'

'Ichi, nee, san, yon, go, roku, nana, hachi, kyu, ju. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez. Uno, dox, trex, quarto, chinco, xaix, xebte, oito, nove, diex. Ene, tua, tria, fyder, fyuf, seis, sevene, athe, nyne, thiine. Un, dos, tres, quatre, cinc, sièis, sèt, vuèch, nòu, dètz. En, dva, trije, štírje, pet, šest, sedem, osem, devet, deset.' Ron recited with confidence.

'Wow. You can really hear the proto-indo-european influences,' Harry observed drily.

Now _that's_ 100 words.

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FICLET 49- Date

'Hey Harry, wanna go get a butterbeer?' asked Ron.

'It sounds like you're asking me out on a man date,' Harry replied.

'Harry, why are you so afraid of loving me?' cried Ron.

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FICLET 50- House

'If House is anything to go by, which uber-rare fatal disease would you rather get?' replied Ginny.

'Toothpick piercing kidney,' said Hermione without hesitation.

Ginny frowned. 'But that was totally painful!'

Hermione grinned. 'Yes. But the reason the toothpick would be piercing my kidney in the first place is because I got some action!'

'You're so desperate.'

'Marry me?...'

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FICLET 51- Day?

Harry, Hermione and Ginny were watching a movie.

'I love "Men In Black". Who would you rather sleep with, Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith?' asked Ginny.

'Will Smith, hands down,' Harry replied. Hermione and Ginny looked at him blankly. 'But you were probably asking Hermione that. I'm having such a gay day!'

'_Day_?' said Hermione.

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	9. Elderberry

Murgltroid.

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FICLET 52- Money

'Hermione, here's a riddle. How do you make 30p using two coins and no 10ps?' asked Ron.

'Uhh… ok… uh…' thought Hermione.

'I got it!' cried Harry, pushing his answer towards Ron.

'Ok, you've given me a penny and cracker which appears to have "29p" written on it,' Ron said.

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FICLET 53- Thoughts

Harry was recording his thoughts on a handy Dictaphone. 'I like toast.' He paused thoughtfully. 'Note to self. Convince others that the trees are lying about me losing my toaster privileges.'

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FICLET 54- Guy Talk

'Harry? I think I'm in love…' said Ron one day.

'Cool. Who with?' Harry replied.

'Hermione. Who else? It's been obvious since First Year.'

'Oh yeah, right.'

'But don't tell anyone, please!' Ron begged.

Hermione burst in right at that moment. 'Hey guys!' she said brightly. 'What are you talking about?'

'Nothing, guy talk,' replied Harry.

'Bitches and hoes,' Ron nodded.

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FICLET 55- Ninja

'Geez, I hate Draco! No matter what I do he's always one step ahead of me, like a ninja but worse,' yelled Harry.

'But nothing's worse than a ninja, they're masters of every style of combat,' Hermione reminded him.

'Will you shut up about Draco?' pleaded Ron. 'I'm trying to get attention from the hottie at 3 o'clock.' He wriggled his eyebrows in the direction of the Hufflepuff table, to no avail. 'What is it with this place? You can walk through walls and not get noticed!'

'Not entirely unlike… a ninja,' said Hermione.

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_Review replies! And why not? It's the reason I'm updating this…_

**Elfluver13: **banal: repeated too often; overfamiliar through overuse; "his remarks were trite and commonplace"; "hackneyed phrases"; "repeating threadbare jokes"; "parroting some timeworn axiom" says Princeton University. And I counted in Japanese, Spanish, Mozarabic, Crimean Gothic, Occitan and Slovene. I copied that last four off a website. In reality I can count to ten in Japanese, French, Spanish, German, Greek and Latin. Thanks as always for your support:D

**witchintraining: **Who did you read these too? Glad you like them as much as I do, we inspire them!


	10. Fruit

DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mine, neither are a helluvalot of the scripts... ::whistles innocently::

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**FICLET 56- Porn**

'I'm sure that if they got rid of all the porn sites on the internet, there would be only one site left and it would be called 'Bring Back Porn',' said Harry.

'No, what about Wikipedia?' Hermione pointed out.

'PORN!' said Harry.

'defra?'

'PORN!'

'cBeebies?'

'… Don't make me answer that.'

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**FICLET 57- Mistakes**

'Hermione, will you check over my Potions essay? Please?' asked Harry.

'…Fine. Give it here,' Hermione said reluctantly. 'Harry, this is crap. You've spelt 'cauldron' with an f.'

'Helping or hurting Hermione, helping or hurting?' sniffed Harry.

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**FICLET 58- Dead?**

'Yo, Ron, can you help me look for Hermione?' asked Ginny.

'Yeah, sure, I'll check the dumpster,' Ron replied.

'Ron, we're not looking for _dead_ Hermione,' said Ginny.

'Atta girl. You stay optimistic.' Ron gave Ginny a thumbs-up.

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**FICLET 59- TV**

Fred and George had stolen a TV and everyone had come to watch it.

'Dude, I've seen this episode, like, seven times,' complained Ron.

'Which episode?' asked Harry.

'This one, duh. The Fonz thinks he's going blind, so his friends bust up his bike so he can put it back together again,' Ron replied.

'Now how did I miss this before? Oh yeah, I was making love to a woman,' said Harry sarcastically.

Ron hung his head in shame

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_REPLIES:_

**ElfLuver13:** Yep, sorry, I could have been clearer :)

**witchintraining: **more blatant scrubs-ness, enjoy :D


	11. Grape

Hellooo! I'm sorry for not updating for a while. Two weeks. 0.0 Oops. So here we go, more from Scrubs because I wrote a load and we haven't got through them to the original stuff yet. Henjoy!

** Disclaimer:** And all that jazz.

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**FICLET 60- Pals**

Hermione got drunk again one night and couldn't remember it the next morning.

'Hey, Hermione,' Ginny said, '_You_ have now slept with almost all of my brothers, and that means _we_ have something in common.'

'It would appear so,' replied Hermione.

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**FICLET 61- Storage**

Neville was analysing the storage situation in the boys' dormitory.

'Hey guys,' he said. 'Why is there jelly in the sock drawer?'

'You mean why are there socks in the jelly drawer,' said Harry. 'Sha-BAM.'

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**FICLET 62- Chicks**

Harry was teaching Colin how to pick up chicks in The Three Broomsticks.

'Ok now, Colin, Pick-up lines _can_ work, if you use them properly,' instructed Harry. 'Let's try it out.' He smiled at a nearby table. 'Hey girl, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?' The girl giggled and took Harry off to a toilet cubicle.

Colin turned to another table. 'Hey babe, how do you like your eggs? Fertilised?' But all he got was a slap in the face.

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**FICLET 63- Teaching**

'Sir,' Harry asked Professor Snape, 'Why did you become a teacher?'

'For the same four reason everybody did. Chicks, money, power and chicks.'

'What?'

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	12. Ham

So, I've updated this chapter with some corrections and funnier skits, I know this whole story is pretty scrappy but it annoys me when there's something here I don't really find that funny.

On a separate note, DH blew me away. Completely.

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**FICLET 64- Game show**

Hermione decided to partner with Ron in Potions class.

'Uhh… this wolf's bane isn't for eating is it?' asked Ron.

'Only four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision,' Hermione sighed.

'BING!' shouted Harry. 'Things McGonagall says during sex!'

'Ewww. That is so horrendously wrong,' Hermione screeched.

'BING!' shouted Ron. 'Snape's opinion on apartheid!'

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**FICLET 65- Concentration**

'Ron, why are you playing a kazoo?' asked Hermione, annoyed.

'It helps me concentrate.'

'Well, you know what helps me concentrate?' Hermione retorted.

'Me not playing the kazoo?' suggested Ron.

'No… bunnies…' sighed Hermione.

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**FICLET 66- Jury Duty**

'Severus!' Dumbledore called. 'A word, if I may?'

Snape blinked. 'Aren't you supposed to be on Jury Duty, Professor?'

'Oh, that. I got out of it easily. All you have to do is say you're prejudiced against all races.'

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**FICLET 67- Door paint**

'Ron, Dean, Seamus, Neville, I'm taking a poll,' announced Harry. 'If you could paint our dormitory door any colour at all, what colour would you paint it?'

'Purple Mountain Majesty,' said Ron.

'Neon Carrot,' suggested Dean.

'Razzle Dazzle Rose,' Seamus recommended.

'Abe Lincoln's Hat,' requested Neville.

'But… those are all crayons,' said Harry.

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	13. Insufficient

And here's another very shiny new chapter for your reading pleasure. I'd love to know whether/how much you're still enjoying these, and your ideas are very welcome (in fact they're essential, because after this chapter and the next one and the two after that and possibly another three after that, I'll have completely run out of ficlets in storage!).

Disclaimer: insert here

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**

**FICLET 68- Flu**

'Why is Harry wearing that surgeon's mask?' asked Hermione.

'It's to protect him if there's a flu epidemic,' Ron replied.

Harry's eyes widened in earnestness. 'It's not if. It's _when_.'

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**FICLET 69- Hat**

Ron had found a shiny black top hat in the owlery.

'Look at my new hat!' he said, donning it proudly.

'Ron, that hat looks utterly ridiculous,' scoffed Harry. _And I must have it!_

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FICLET 70- Spoiler

Harry ran up to Hermione in the Common Room. 'Hey, Hermione, you know in the last chapter of our Potions textbook where it's talking about-'

'Don't tell me!' Hermione shrieked, covering her ears. 'You'll spoil the ending! Go away! Away!'

'Ok, I'll just go ask Ron. He'll love me.' Harry backed off slowly. 'In a totally straight way,' he added after a few seconds.

'Insecure much?' Hermione laughed.

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FICLET 71- Hands

'Hey, Remus!' cried Sirius. 'Let me see that Tonka truck!' He made a grab for the oil tanker Remus was holding.

'No man, look with your eyes not your hands,' said Remus moodily.

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FICLET 72- Relationship

'DUDE! It's ridiculous! I have no idea what I'm doing, and I can't even tell the difference between powdered asphodel root and powdered dragon claw. What the hell is WRONG with me?' yelled Harry in Potions one day.

'I'm sorry, crazy student says what?' Snape asked testily.

'What?' said Harry.

'Atta boy!' Snape replied.

'You guys have such a special relationship…' Ron observed.

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	14. Jelly

Weather's hot, you're hotter, please wear sunscreen.

DISCLAIMER: In no part owned by me. Badum-chh.

You know, even if I did lie and say Harry Potter is mine, you would never believe me. I hate formalities.

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**FICLET 73- Generosity**  
'Harry, pass me the potatoes,' said Ron at dinner.

'You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away,' Harry replied.

'Do they. Do they. That must be why they're such a dominant global power,' snapped Ron.

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**FICLET 74- Aspirations**

'Hey Ron, wanna play wizard chess?' asked Harry.

'Do chickens wish they could fly?' replied Ron excitedly.

'I have no idea,' said Harry.

'I would like to think they would,' Ron sighed.

'Yeah, me too,' Harry said wistfully.

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**FICLET 75- Cowboys**

'I'm sorry Sirius, I just don't think cowboys are cool,' said Remus.

'Then _you're_ not cool Remus!' Sirius stormed off to his room.

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**FICLET 76- Chicken?**

Harry and Ron leaned towards each other, about to kiss. Their lips drew closer and closer, about to meet and-

Harry snatched his head away.

'HA!' Ron laughed triumphantly. 'I am the KING of Gay Chicken! Pay up loser!'


	15. Kangaroo?

Hello! It's been a while and I'm going away tomorrow for a week, so here's an update.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine

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**FICLET 77- Famous**

'What would you give me if I managed to flick this party sausage into your cleavage?' Ron asked Hermione.

'I refuse to let you do that. Cornelius and Fudge deserve more respect.'

'Dude!' said Harry, 'You named your cupcakes after the Minister for Magic?'

Hermione raised an eyebrow at Harry's questionable euphemism. 'Other way around, dipwad.'

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**FICLET 78- Tidy**

'So Ginny, are we doing it tonight?' Harry asked casually.

'Do you have a queen bed?'

'If I take my quothes off,' Harry replied.

'Right answer!' Ginny jumped him.

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**FICLET 79- Late**

Harry and Ron were late to the weird hybrid of Transfiguration and Potions that Dumbledore had arranged as an experiment.

'You're late!' barked Snape. 'Being late never gets you anywhere. Do you think I got to be Head of Slytherin by being late all my life?'

'No, you got there through bribery and ass-kissing,' McGonagall said.

'Yes, but I always started promptly at nine,' retorted Snape.

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**FICLET 80- Bet**

'Dagnabbit! That Draco Malfoy has gone one step too far!' shouted Harry.

'If you still maintain that Malfoy is so bad at making soufflé, why can't you just teach him yourself?' Hermione suggested.

'So is this the part where I'm supposed to say 'yeah, well now I will, just to show you',' said Harry. 'Well, this is that part. I will teach him! And I will show you!'

'Why don't you just shut up for a week?' Hermione suggested again.

'Done! And if I do, you have to teach Malfoy to bake!' Harry cried.

'Harry, I wasn't making a bet. Just shut up for a week.' Hermione rolled her eyes.

'You're on!'

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Review please! You've all been a bit quiet. Here's something to get you talking: how do you feel about longer ficlets? Say, 20 lines instead of 6?


	16. Lemon Meringue

**Sorry!** I put that in bold to show how sorry I am. It's been so long... since I updated... hangs head in shame **  
**

**DISCLAIMER: **No more mine than it was two months ago.**  
**

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**FICLET 81- Pronunciation**

'Hey Hermione, wanna come down to the libary and study?' asked Ron.

'LibRARY, it's 'libRARY', Ron,' said Hermione, rolling her eyes.

'Oh.' Ron turned to Harry. 'Harry, your nose is really red. Like a big strawbrerry,' he said proudly.

'Don't have kids,' Hermione told him.

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**FICLET 82- Glue**

'I wonder why Hogwarts sometimes smells of glue?' Harry said thoughtfully.

'Oh, it's a chemical in the hollows behind the walls,' replied Ron.

'What?'

'Well, I got stuck behind a wall one day, and the smell of glue started making me hallucinate. I dreamed I was a mermaid,' Ron explained.

Harry laughed.

'Don't laugh!' chided Ron, 'It was serious. I spent the whole day stuck their granting wishes to ugly fishermen.'

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**FICLET 83- Bribery**

Hermione accidentally revealed her greatest secret EVER to Draco during Herbology.

'OH MY GOSH! Don't tell anyone!' she screamed in a whisper.

'Oh-ho, I won't. But I'll be needing some things,' Draco replied, grinning wickedly.

'…What?' said Hermione nervously.

'Let's see… new duvet covers- make sure their Egyptian cotton, polyester chafes. A pound of frankincense, mainly just to see what it is. A wagon wheel because I want to attract storks to the Astronomy Tower. And a vial of dragon's blood- I'm planning an elaborate prank on Goyle so he'll wake up and think he's 20 feet tall,' Draco said.

Hermione hung her head in desperation.

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**FICLET 84- Career Choices**

Hermione, Ron and Harry had been roped in to do work experience in St Mungo's because it was the only place left.

'Yeah! Let's be doctors!' Hermione said with enthusiasm.

'Hermione… be cool,' muttered Ron.

Harry had already donned a white coat and was puffing on a pipe. 'Let's go make cancer feel foolish,' he said with dignity.

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**FICLET BONUS- ****Adverse Weather Conditions  
**  
Hogwarts was being battered by a hurricane.

'Right people, let's just calm down and try to get some sleep,' said Hermione.

'But I'm scared!' cried Ron. 'If I go to sleep the hurricane might sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy.'**  
**


	17. Maraschino Cherry

**A hoy hoy. **

**DISCLAIMER: Not mine.**

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**FICLET 85- Childhood**

'Our children are slowly falling off the rails,' mused Mrs Weasley one day.

'Tell me about it,' Mr Weasley groaned. 'This perpetual motion thingummy Ron made just keeps getting faster and faster.'

'RON! Get in here!' Mrs Weasley yelled.

'Yes?' Ron said sheepishly.

'In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!' his mother scolded angrily.

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**FICLET 86- Internet**

Hermione received a phone call from Ginny, who said that the fireplace at the arcade had collapsed and she was unable to floo back to Hogwarts.

'Oh noes!' Harry cried. 'How will she get home?'

'I dunno. Internet?' Ron suggested.

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**FICLET 87- Insults**

Harry and Draco were duelling.

'Insulturmumio!' cried Harry, causing Malfoy's mum to immediately be insulted.

'Hey, that is not true!' Malfoy cried. 'My mum is not a porn star! She may be a liar, a bad cook, a porn star, but my mum is not a communist!'

'Damn straight,' nodded Blaise.

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**FICLET 88- Food**

Vegetarian!Hermione was eyeing the table with disgust. 'Do we have anything to eat that hasn't been brutally slaughtered?' she asked.

'I think the mutton died of loneliness,' Harry replied.

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**I want you all to know that I'm only updating to put off writing my English essay. It sure as heck isn't as a thank you for ALL THOSE LOVELY REVIEWS I'M GETTING. Hmph. And it's my birthday and all.**


	18. Nanaimo

**Hello, sorry for lateness! I know I should try to update once a week, often I forget, but sometimes I can't get to the internet.**

**Oh, the last one still makes me laugh. Wish I'd come up with it. And in case anyone is wondering, I'm not going to bring GAY!Dumbledore into this, although, bizarrely, it's now canon. I wouldn't be able to make it sound not weird.  
**

**DISCLAIMER: not mine, not ever.**

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**FICLET 89- Level 7**

'Hermione, do you want a carrot?' asked Ron.

'No! Get that away from me!' Hermione shrieked.

'But… I thought you were a vegetarian.' Ron looked confused.

'I've graduated to a Level 7 Vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow,' Hermione replied primly.

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**FICLET 90- Foolish**

Ron, Harry and Ginny were plotting how to get Malfoy expelled.

'I have an idea! This will fool him good.' Ron chuckled as he explained his plan.

Ginny threw her hands in the air. 'OMG Ron! That wouldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of you life with an electrified fooling machine with fooling sprinkles!' she shrieked.

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**FICLET 91- Interview**

Rita Skeeter was interviewing Harry Potter for WitchTeen Magazine.

'So, Harry. What are the simple pleasures in your life?'

Harry leaned back, puffing on a cigar. 'I don't ask for much. I like my butterbeer cold, my TV loud and my Slytherins flaming.'

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**FICLET 92- Dragon hide**

Hermione was running a book sale in the Library to get rid of some useless books.

'Those books, how much?' asked Colin Creevey.

'Hmm?' Hermione replied.

'Those books, dragon hide-bound ones,' said Colin, pointing.

'Yes, Bagshot. The collected works of Bathilda Bagshot.'

'They real dragon hide?' Colin asked.

'They're real Bagshot,' said Hermione.

'I have to know if they're real dragon hide because they have to go with our sofa. Everything else in our common room is real. I'll give you fifty for them,' said Colin, reaching for his wallet.

'Fifty what?' asked Hermione suspiciously.

'Fifty galleons…'

'Are they dragon hide-bound galleons?'

'No…' Colin gave her a weird look.

'Sorry, I need dragon hide-bound galleons to go with my wallet. Next!' Hermione snapped.

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	19. Oreo

**Wow, I'm quick on the update here... this is mainly because I have nothing else to do but even more mainly because it's witchintraining's birthday today, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her :) I'd write her another ficlet but that one in chapter 13 took all of the creative juice out of me :P **

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**FICLET 93- Conspiracies**

'Did you know that man hasn't actually landed on the moon yet?' asked Ron.

'Well, we've heard all those stupid conspiracy theories,' said Harry.

'Yeah, but everybody knows who really did it.'

'Of course, the same people responsible for the Marilyn Monroe thing, Pearl Harbour.'

'The Titanic… partition of the Irish State…' added Ron.

'And India,' Harry continued. 'And the collapse of the Deutschmark, Elvis, myxomatosis…'

'That's right… those guys… what do you call them?' asked Ron.

'Yeah… Burger King…' said Harry.

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**FICLET 94- Arguing**

Dean and Ron were arguing over sports.

'Come on Dean, football's pathetic! Eleven men and one ball? Psssh,' laughed Ron.

'Oh yeah? Well you know what's really pathetic? Your Quidditch team! Do you know this chant? Chudley, Chudley, you're all so ugly, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated…' sang Dean.

Ron punched him in the face.

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**FICLET 95- New Boy**

A new boy had arrived at Hogwarts, and Hermione and Ron were introducing themselves.

'So, Ernie, tell us all about yourself,' said Hermione.

'Well, I was born in Wessex…'

'Stop right there, David Copperfield!' Ron interrupted. 'If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn!'

'Ignore him,' said Hermione. 'Go on.'

'Well, like I say, born in Wessex, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases,' Ernie continued.

'Oh, your father was in the army?' Hermione asked.

'No, just coincidence,' replied Ernie. 'You know,' he added, looking around the common room, 'you could do a lot with this place.'

'What do you mean?' asked Ron accusingly. 'It's perfectly fine.'

'Well, if you cleaned the fireplace out and got rid of whatever makes you stick to the floor in that corner…'

'You're supposed to stick to the floor in that corner. I like it like that. Stops first years running around,' Ron snapped.

'And put in a few standard lamps…' Ernie suggested.

'Why didn't you just say that you were gay?' said Ron.

'What? But I'm not,' Ernie replied.

'But you're interested in lamps.'

'Yeah, but I'm interested in, in woman and lamps,' said Ernie. 'I thought you were, actually. Gay, I mean.'

'So did I for a bit,' said Ron. 'Then I found out about the prohibitive standard of hygiene. And all that dancing!'

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**FICLET 96- Dungeons**

Ernie looked appraisingly around the dungeons and addressed Snape. 'You you know that you have molluscs on your pipes over there?' he asked.

'What of it?' snarled the potions master.

'Well, it's just they normally live in the sea,' replied Ernie.

'Why didn't you tell me you were gay?' Snape asked.

'Why does everyone say that?' Ernie cried.

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	20. Poppy Juice

**3…2…1… Anniversary Time! **To celebrate the 25th chapter and 100th Ficlet, here's a bonus long chapter! Yay! Is anyone as excited about this as I am? This is by far my longest fic… I think this whole milestones thing would be more effective if this fic had a huge following.

Also, I am pulling early chapters for editing and reposting later... they need formatting and perhaps re-funnying.

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**FICLET 97- Lies**

'I like him,' said Hermione.

'Who? Who do you like?' asked Ron.

'That Ernie guy.'

'Are you insane?'

'He's great Ron! What's wrong with him?'

'He's trouble, is what he is. He's… he's… I can smell it a mile off!' Ron was getting quite worked up. 'He's got all sorts of fancy notions. And… and… do you know what I saw earlier, when you weren't here and you couldn't have seen it? He was… umm… he was sucking his trousers, and laughing!'

'That's a lie, isn't it?' Hermione accused.

'No, no! It's perfectly true!' Ron said. Hermione got up to leave. 'Wait, don't leave, I made it up.'

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**FICLET 98- Help**

'I can't wait 'til we leave school and get jobs!' cried Hermione.

'What are you going to do?' asked Harry, seeming vaguely interested.

'I want to be an explorer! Exploring the hitherto unknown boundaries of magical knowledge! Just imagine the headlines! 'Hermione Granger, Colon, Explorer!' It's got a ring to it, doesn't it?'

'Colon Explorer?' Ron snorted.

'You know what I'm saying.' Hermione rolled her eyes.

'I think that's got the wrong ring to it,' Harry giggled.

**±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±**

**FICLET 99- Music makers**

Harry and Ron were in charge of composing music for the Yule Ball.

'Ok, Ron, this is what we're going to do,' started Harry.

'Ask Hermione?'

'No. She has no sense of rhythm, and her fingernails are too long to play the piano. We're going to take this magic potion,' Harry replied, handing Ron a vial.

'Cool!' Ron took a huge gulp. 'What's in it?'

'The tears of Mozart…' Harry took a sip. '…Mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.' He made a face. 'But it only lasts for half an hour so write quickly.'

'Oooh, I feel it inspiring me as we speak,' smiled Ron.

'Idiot,' snorted Draco. 'It's frickin' Lucozade.'

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**FICLET 100- Tax**

Dumbledore was agonising over his tax forms when McGonagall burst in.

'Albus! Finished with your accounts?' she asked cheerfully.

'Yes,' replied Dumbledore. 'I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.'

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**FICLET 101- More Tax**

'Come on Albus, concentrate. We have to finish these tax forms. How much money do we have and how much do we owe?' asked McGonagall, sorting through receipts.

'Look! A fox!' Dumbledore cried.

'Where?'

'In the pensieve.'

'Oh yeah! Wow! Let's order pizza.'

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**FICLET 102- Soup**

Crabbe and Goyle were reminiscing about lunch.

'Remember that time we had that soup?' mused Crabbe.

'Oh yeah!' cried Goyle. 'That was brilliant!'

They began to sing together. 'Soup, souper tasty, soup, souper spicy, carrot and coriander…'

'Chilli chowder,' Crabbe sighed.

'Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth… I am gazpacho, oh… I am a summer soup, mmm… Miso, miso, fighting in the dojo, miso, miso, oriental prince in the land of soup!' they sang.

'Classic times,' Goyle smiled.

'Crazy days!' Draco glared at them sarcastically.


	21. Quince

**:cowers: Well... Merry Christmas everybody! I'm in the spirit. **

**DISCLAIMER: not mine **

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**FICLET 103-** **Santa**

Harry went to the local mall to see Santa Claus.

'Ho ho ho!' laughed Santa. 'And what can I bring you?'

'Oh, a peace offering, is it?' Harry scoffed. 'Very well… What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?'

'Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?' Santa replied.

Harry thought for a while. 'Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy'? Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?

'Ok, wrap it up, kid,' Santa snapped.

'All right Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted,' Harry nodded. 'I will be… "nice".'

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**FICLET 104- Cleaning**

'This place really needs a clean,' said Hermione, looking around the dormitory.

'Why?' asked Lavender.

'Look at it! Everything's covered in filth! I can't find anything,' Hermione shrieked.

'I think she's got a point,' agreed Parvati. 'I mean, right now, I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe.'

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**FICLET 105- Blanking**

'I don't believe it!' Harry shouted, outraged. 'Percy Weasley just blanked me!'

'And so what?' Hermione replied. 'So what if he blanked you?'

'So what?! So what?! He blanked me! That's, like, an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society! It's like, it's like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.'

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**FICLET 106- Hotdogs**

'Do you like hotdogs?' Harry asked Ron.

'Dude! Yeah! But only in a bun, with ketchup and mustard and stuff. I don't like it when someone serves you hotdogs on a plate with a load of boiled vegetables and you're just like 'what the hell? I'm not German!'' Ron replied.

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**Our common room is seriously like that. The girl's dormitory I mean. There was a mug of lentils in cold water lying around for days, and the sink is always full of orange peel. **


	22. Rabbit

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**FICLET 107- Eggs**

'Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry… Harry?' wheedled Ron.

'This better be good,' Harry sneered.

'You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantulas' eggs?'

Harry rolled his eyes. 'Don't ever have kids.'

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**FICLET 109- Argument**

Ron and Hermione were arguing loudly in the Common Room.

'OF COURSE IT'S LEGITIMATE, IT SAVES PEOPLES' LIVES!' yelled Hermione.

'THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING, LIVES OF PEOPLE ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN THOSE OF ANIMALS!' Ron shouted back.

Someone knocked on the portrait hole, but Ron and Hermione ignored it.

'AND THE NEW CONDITIONS WILL HELP ANIMALS, CAN'T YOU SEE?' Hermione shrieked.

'IT'S IMPROVING THEIR WELFARE, IT'S _BETTER_ THAN IT WAS BEFORE!' screamed Ron.

'I'll just get that, shall I?' suggested Harry, heading for the portrait hole. 'Yes?' he said, to the Hufflepuff student standing outside. Ron and Hermione were still arguing in the background.

'Hello, I was just wondering, when you look around you, do you think that God is having an impact on creation?'

'What the hell?' said Harry, confused. He turned to Ron and Hermione. 'Hey, guys, when I look around me, do I think that God is having an impact on creation?' His friends ignored him.

'FOR THE LAST TIME, RON, ANIMAL TESTING FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES IS BENEFICIAL TO SOCIETY,' shrieked Hermione.

'I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN, HERMIONE, ANIMAL TESTING BRINGS MUCH NEEDED RESEARCH TO A VITAL INDUSTRY!' retorted Ron.

'Aren't they both arguing for the same side?' asked the Hufflepuff.

'Sorry, I'm an existentialist,' Harry replied.

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**FICLET 110- Pastry**

Hermione entered the Common Room, carrying a plate. 'Here,' she said, handing it to Ron. 'Can you hold this for a moment, I need to get something out of my bag. Careful, it's hot.'

Ron took it distrustfully. 'What is it?'

'It a Danish pastry. A savoury one,' replied Hermione waspishly, before she snatched it back and ran off for the library. Ron turned to Harry.

'Who heats up pastry?' he asked, disbelievingly.

'Who doesn't?' retorted Harry.

'Well, in the morning sure, but at lunch…' Ron argued weakly.

'But cold pastry is, like, hard… and… flaky.' Harry shuddered.

'But warm pastry is soft and flaky,' Ron pointed out.

'Yeah, like pastry is supposed to be.' Harry rolled his eyes.

'I hate flaky pastry!' said Ron.

'Oh, so you're a shortcrust gal, eh?' Harry sniggered.

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**FICLET 111- Quiz**

Hermione came running into the Common Room excitedly (without a pastry this time). 'Hey! Guys! Do you want to come to a Charms quiz this lunchtime? Flitwick arranged it for younger years, and he wants helpers.'

'No,' Ron and Harry said reflexively, in unison. Hermione flounced onto a chair and started her Potions homework.

After a pause, Harry looked up. 'What is this Charms quiz like anyway?'

'Dunno,' Hermione replied, sitting down. 'I should be finding out now.'


	23. Sloe Jam

**Oh noes! I've run out of back-up ficlets. This means I'll have to write them as I go now, which means updates might be slow. Who am I kidding, they're slow already. I need a schedule…**

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**FICLET 112- Servants**

Professor Binns was lecturing about the Feast of Hippolytus in 1253, which was widely regarded to be the turning point of the Goblo-Trollgian War. 'Now,' he droned, 'can anyone tell me who served the wine at this momentous occasion?'

A few suggestions came weakly from the bored students. 'Servants? Slaves? House-elves?'

'No, no, not quite…' sighed Professor Binns.

'Cows?' suggested Ron.

Professor Binns face-palmed, but the effect was spoiled rather by his hand passing through his own head.

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**FICLET 113- Drunk, again**

Dumbledore, McGonagall and Snape had broken into a bottle of Christmas Edition Firewhisky, and were subsequently blind stinking drunk.

'Severus,' slurred Dumbledore. 'I think you are entirely too horizontal.'

'Oh yeah?' Snape scoffed from the floor. 'Well you're just a beard with an idiot hanging off it.'

McGonagall giggled girlishly. 'Yeah! Look at his face! I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.'

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**FICLET 114- Party**

'Haarrryyyyyy,' Ron whined. 'There's a party in Hogsmeade this weekend. Can we go?'

'For heaven's sakes, why?' groaned Harry.

'There's a girl,' Ron replied sheepishly.

'A what?' Harry snapped. 'You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls – people. Who is she?'

'Roweena, a friend of Ginny's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.'

'Roweena. Roweeeeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants Charleston with this insane, blind tart?' shrieked Harry.

'Why are you getting so angry?' Ron cried.

'I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your red-haired freak circus, what's she like?'

'She's nice.'

'She's nice, she- don't make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the house elves?'

'I don't know,' Ron stuttered. 'All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.'

'Well, we're going to this party,' Harry stated. 'Because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.'

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**FICLET 115 – Cleaning, Mark Deux**

Hermione was still surveying the girls' dorm with disgust. 'Right guys, we really, I mean _really_, need to clean this place. Someone has used my bowl – _my bowl­_ – for their stinking porridge.'

'Hermione, get over it,' whined Lavender.

'Just wash the stupid bowl already,' Parvati added. 'If you're really that worked up about it, write an angry message on the noticeboard.'

'Like that ever means anything,' Lavender sniggered.

'You don't get it!' Hermione was close to shrieking. 'My bowl is now soaking in the sink, with dried-on porridge, filled with water which must be at least half tea by now, and a dead ladybird.'

The others laughed, and continued perusing Parvati's weird Indian film magazine. 'She thinks Salman shouldn't marry, I totally think he should,' Parvati scoffed.

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**FICLET 116 – Modernist **

'Hey Ron, can I have a bite?' Hermione asked, gesturing to his pastrami on rye.

'I thought you were a level 7 vegan?' Ron asked, bewildered.

'Oh, that's old news. I'm a modernist vegan now.'

'A what?'

'I eat meat, with irony.'

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	24. Tamarillo

**Number 118 inspired by a review from clammydaspikeclam, thank you very much! It's not quite as you said, but I wanted to make it unique. **:) **But, in the immortal words of Chicago, **_**you're the inspiration…**_

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**FICLET 117 – Water Baby**

The trio were staying at Hermione's house over the summer, and Ron was discovering the marvels of the Internet.

'Hey guys, look at this! That kid on Nirvana's Nevermind cover is called Spencer Eldon, and he's 17 now,' Ron laughed.

'There's a chat-up line for you,' remarked Harry.

Hermione was scornful. 'What, like he'll just go 'hey baby, I was on the cover of Nevermind', and all the girls will just be like 'oooh! Take me now!'? I bet he's really embarrassed.'

Ron scoffed. 'What's he got to be embarrassed about? Look at the kid!'

'Ron, that's a smudge on the screen,' Harry replied, leaning over to brush away some dust.

Ron looked closer. 'Oh. Ok, yeah, he'll be embarrassed,' he agreed.

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**FICLET 118 – Sleeping**

'Hey Ron, isn't that Pig?' said Harry through a mouthful of bacon, as Pigwidgeon fell out of the air into a tureen of porridge.

Ron inspected the tail feathers absent-mindedly. 'Yeah. Looks like I've got a package.'

'Hell yeah you do,' Hermione whispered under her breath.

'Openitopenitopenit!' squealed Ginny.

Ron fished Pig out of the porridge and wiped the package gingerly. It was large, rather slimy, and not remotely fish-shaped.

'What do you think it is?' Harry asked.

'Well… it's not remotely fish-shaped…' Ron started. 'So it's probably not a fish…' He ripped off the paper. It was a cardboard box, and inside the cardboard box was a fish.

Harry gasped. 'Oh no! Ron! You're going to die!'

'I'm what?' Ron asked stupidly.

'A fish! In the mail! It means, you'll be sleeping with the fishes! Only an organised crime syndicate as dastardly as the Mafia would pull something that transparent!' Harry replied. He picked up a small square of card, which had fallen out of the paper. 'Look, it says 'Best wishes, and love to Ginny. _Wink wink. _Don Italio Giovanitalia.' Ginny blushed, and took a huge bite of toast, and choked, and chugged a glass of milk.

Ron giggled. 'It sounds like genitalia.'

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**FICLET 119 – Flying**

Ron and Harry were trying to teach Hermione how to fly. But the only broom they had for her was a Cleansweep -4.

Hermione eyed it doubtfully. 'Is it safe?'

'Sure,' Harry shrugged.

'But it only has seven straws in its tail, and the handle is made of Brighton rock,' Hermione pointed out.

'It's safe enough, Hermione,' Ron said.

'You don't want to live forever do you?' agreed Harry.

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**FICLET 120 – Friends**

Harry sighed and, putting down his book, surveyed his friends. Hermione was seated on the couch beside him, also reading. Ron and Ginny were lying on the floor playing Dungeons and Dragons.

'I wish I had cooler friends,' he mused.

Ron looked up. 'Yeah, that's what your friends say about you too.'

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	25. Uneaten

**Some of these are inspired by (well, taken from) a comic by sadwonderland . deviantart . com. She does amazing comics of awesomeness, and is totally ftw. Also, in regards to editing earlier chapters: by editing, I meant deleting. So, goodbye to baby names B, C, D, E and F. They were crap. But, handily, most of the good ficlets were bunched together, hence the keeping of A, G, H and I. Have a look back, if you care to. But now we only have 25 chapters, so the note in chapter ex-25 doesn't work anymore. ENOUGH. Rambling, I mean. On with the show.**

**DISCLAIMER: Characters aren't mine, and 123 and 124 are even more not mine. **

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**FICLET 121 – Heaven**

'Harry,' said Ron one day, 'I'm really worried. What if Voldemort kills you?'

Harry stared at the floor. 'Why, I guess then I'd be dead.'

'Yeah,' Ron replied. 'And what would I do then?'

'Well, if you die too, you know where to meet me in heaven, right?' Harry asked earnestly.

Ron's face split into a wide grin. 'By the Butterbeer stand on the Lesbian Cloud!' 

'Playa!' laughed Harry. 'I love religion.'

They high-fived.

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**FICLET 122 – Babies**

The Weasleys were visiting Bill and Fleur, who had just given birth. Fleur was holding the little squirmy bundle proudly.

'Aww…' Ron cooed. 'What is it?'

'Eet eez eh giiiiiirrrrl,' trilled Fleur.

Ron looked shifty. 'Oh, right…' he said. 'Yeah… because it's a baby…'

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**FICLET 123 – RPG**

Harry, Ron and Hermione were playing Dungeons and Dragons, which they had stolen off Ginny.

'Right, Hermione,' started Ron. 'You are facing the prison cell. There are two armed guards standing outside. What do you want to do?'

Hermione thought for a second. 'Easy. Stuff one guard down the other guard's throat. Now I just have to fight one fat guard who's suffocating.'

'Harryyyyyyy,' Ron whined. 'She's not entering into the spirit of the game!'

'I can't find anything about suffocating guards…' Harry said, flicking desperately through the rule book tome.

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**FICLET 124 – Corner**

'You know what?' cried Snape at breakfast one morning.

'What?' asked McGonagall and Dumbledore.

'Screw marmalade! I'm going to have chocolate spread and marshmallows on my toast this morning!'

'Wow Severus,' McGonagall replied. 'That's… that's really pushing the boat out.'

Snape smiled self-satisfactorily. 'Some people live on the edge, but Severus Snape lives on the _corner_.'


	26. Venison

**IMPORTANT NOTICE! **I've created a poll on my page, as to whether Ickle Ficlets should continue after I finish the Alphabet of Pie. There are several options, choose your favourite, and feel free to message me if you have any burning desire for me to continue/stop/piss off. Oops, sorry, language. I'm really excited about my new story, it's going places. Yeehaw.

**DISCLAIMER**: No more mine than it ever was.

**FICLET 125 – Safari**

Harry and Malfoy discovered that they had more in common than they'd thought, and were engaging in a belated heart-to-heart.

'Malfoy, if you could be anything you wanted, what would you be?' Harry asked.

'Hmm…' Malfoy pondered. 'A zebra!'

Harry looked weirdly at Malfoy. 'Right… I meant for a job, actually. If you could do anything you wanted for a job, what would it be?'

'Oh.' Malfoy looked stumped. 'A giraffe!'

Harry rolled his eyes. 'You are one hundred percent awesome, my friend.'

**FICLET 126 – Confusion**

Harry and Malfoy had been geese for some time now. It was a tough spell, and no one could seem to get it off them.

'How are you doing?' Hermione asked, concernedly.

'Oh, we're hanging in there,' Draco quipped. '_Bear_-ly.'

'What the hell?' asked Harry. 'We're geese, dude.'

'Thank you _bear_-y much,' Draco replied.

**FICLET 127 – Dreams**

Hermione was telling Ron about her dream. "So then Filch comes up in a penguin suit and starts making chicken chow mein over a campfire. But then he's chased away by all these badges bearing anti-war slogans."

"Ha!" laughed Ron, "You dream about Filch!"

"Not intentionally!" defended Hermione. "Anyway, it was mainly about the badges."

**FICLET 126- I'm what?**

"Hello," said Harry, introducing himself to his Great Uncle Wilbert. "I'm Harry."

"Don't be ridiculous. Harry died twenty years ago," replied Great Uncle Wilbert.

"Must be a different Harry, I think," said Harry.

"Are you saying I don't know my own brother?"

**FICLET 127- Naval?**

"I'm never good enough for you am I?" cried Ginny.

Harry tried to comfort her. "Of course you are! I'm the one that's not good enough for you! Look, you're beautiful, funny, smart…"

"I'm not smart!" wailed Ginny. "I thought U2 was a submarine!"

Harry wasn't sure what to say. "Well, to be fair, their music is kind of naval…"


	27. White grape

**Hello! Sorry, it has been a while, but I've been concentrating on my fic with an actual plot, _Found_. I'd love it if you'd all read that too! It's Draco/Hermione, but it's no lovefest I can tell you that. Enjoy these ficlets - they're the last I have in store so it may be a while until I update again because I'm concentrating on other things. But my ears are always open for funny things**

**Ficlet 128 – Happy**

'Oh no!' gasped Hermione, staring wide-eyed into her cauldron. 'I forgot to add the chopped beetle liver! Professor Snape won't be happy to hear this!'

'Won't be happy to hear what?' asked Snape.

'That… uh… that the addition of the chopped beetle liver went swimmingly, sir…' Hermione improvised.

'What? But I'm _very_ happy to hear that,' Snape replied. 'You don't know me at all!'

'_Phew!_' Hermione sighed.

'Wait… shouldn't we have stirred it counter-clockwise?' asked Harry.

'But I've been stirring it clockwise for five minutes now!' Hermione wailed. 'No! Snape will be furious this time!'

'Furious at what?' asked Snape.

'At… umm… the fact that we have stirred it exactly the right number of times, in exactly the right direction, with no mistaken clockwise stirs at all, sir.'

'Once again you have thoroughly misgauged my response, Miss Granger,' Snape snapped. 'This will be going on your permanent record.'

**Ficlet 129 – Compliment**

'I'm lonely…' sighed Hermione.

'Would you like a compliment?' Harry enquired.

Hermione sighed again. 'All right. But make it a good one.'

Harry cleared his throat. 'Whenever anyone asks me about Hermione Granger, I invariably reply: "I am a person who knows excellent people, and Hermione Granger ranks at least 9 out of a possible outstanding".'

Hermione sniffed. 'Really?'

'Yes.' Harry nodded.

'Well, whenever anyone asks me about Harry Potter, _I _reply: "I'll say one thing about Harry – he's got a refined taste for cookies. Oh yes!" I say. "Trust his cookie decisions and you'll go far",' replied Hermione.

'You're such a special friend,' Harry grinned.

**Ficlet 130 – Dating**

'So Ron, are you and your Cleansweep 7 like, an item now?' asked Hermione.

'Yeah, you could say that…' said Ron, pulling his broomstick a little closer.

'Ron!' Harry whined. 'Dating your teammate and primary mode of transport won't end well for either of you. And, it's in violation of Humano-broomstick Relations Act 1258-b.2.'

'We don't care about stupid regulations!' Ron cried. 'My broomstick accepts me for who I am! Maybe someday you'll care about me enough to realise that.'

**Ficlet 131 – Orphan**

'Hey guys!' said Dumbledore at breakfast. 'You know how Harry's an orphan?'

'Yeah, we talk about it all the time,' Ron replied.

'Really?' asked Harry, his eyes misting over.

'No,' scoffed Ron. 'Burn!' He high-fived Hermione.

'Where was I?' Dumbledore mused. 'Oh yes! _Witch Weekly_ has named Harry

Orphan of the Year!'

'Harry, well done!' squealed Hermione. 'Your parents must be so proud! Oh… wait…'

'I hate you all,' Harry muttered.

**Ficlet 132 – Halibut**

'Why is it such a British thing to enjoy hitting people with fish?' mused Hermione.

'Well, it must be pretty fun to whack someone into a lock with a halibut,' Harry replied.

'A halibut!' Ginny cried. 'They're huge! Being slapped with one must also be fun!'

'Well… sure…' said Harry. 'If stinky and wet is fun…'


	28. Xerxes

Hello! It's been a while. Just thought I'd upload this single funny to remind you all I'm still here, and to avoid getting thrown off for just posting an AN when I really have to say: Sorry if you're receiving this update and feeling very disappointed that it's not for Found, but I'll be getting a new one of that up within the next couple of days, promise. I've had real trouble with it and just left it alone, sort of forgot, I'm so sorry and guilty and everything! It's just, sort of in-betweeny stuff that I find hard to write, but it's needed after all the recent melodrama. Will close now, rambling.

**Ficlet 133**

'You're so weird Ron!' Ginny shrieked. 'How can you possibly eat two types of curry, noodles, steak medallions and Madeira cake for breakfast?'

'Hey,' Ron objected. 'I'm not the one who has sex dreams about Lorelei Gilmore.'

Harry's head whipped round. 'Ok, explanation.'

Ginny rolled her eyes. 'Not even! Lorelei Gilmore was giving a lecture in this big hall and I was in the audience, and then the skinny guy from Only Fools And Horses came in and wanted to know how to have sex, and I was there thinking 'Why am I here? I do not want to be here!' And that was it.'


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